Motherhood VII: Measuring Up

Ah, the Comparison Game.  As moms, we are awfully good at it. . .we cower under it or rise up with it. . .we allow it to inflate our egos or deflate our spirits. . .and it can even come between good friends. 

Who doesn’t like the feeling of measuring up to the standards that we set for ourselves, or if reasonable, the ones others set for us?  But when the standards go beyond what God has planned for us or enabled us to do, or the comparison game gets out of control, we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place.  For 4 years I attended a “Moms Group” at my former church.  Every other week, about 50 moms would gather to have breakfast together, listen to a “wise, older woman” share her years of experience with us, and then we would discuss amongst our table members our difficulties and triumphs we were encountering raising our children.

Many times, the speaker, through no fault of her own, would stir up the comparison game within me, or one of the other moms.  How does she bake 3 dozen cookies for her son’s class, volunteer weekly with her daughter’s Girl Scouts Troop, keep a perfectly clean house, scrapbook every moment of her children’s lives, design and sew all the clothes for her family, cook like Rachel Ray, decorate like Martha Stewart, and still have every hair in place and not be wearing sweatpants when her husband comes home from work?  Whew!  Is it humanly possible?  Why am I not measuring up to her?

Or what about the reverse?  Suzie Q next door has only one child and she still can’t seem to get or keep anything together for her family.  They eat out every night, live in a pig-stye, and her child will soon be on America’s Most Wanted.  What is wrong with her?  Can’t she measure up?

Why can’t we fight the urge to compare?  What is it in us that is so tempted to measure ourselves or others against a higher standard, and then either resort to judgmentalism or self-condemnation? 

I think that if God has called us to be mothers, then that calling is something that we feel very deeply in our heart and soul.  We want to be the best at it.  We want the most success and the most achievement for our children.  We want them to be well liked and to love God above all else.  We have high hopes and dreams for them, and therefore, we are extra critical of ourselves when we do the slightest thing that can alter that ideal future for them.  We look at other mothers and wonder why we can’t be as creative, loving, disciplined, organized, or resourceful as they are.  We feel others looking at us (real or imagined) and know they are judging the peanut butter stain on our sweatshirt, the cobwebs in the corners of each room of our house, or the fact that our child just made a scene with his temper tantrum in the play zone at Chick-fil-A.  Or in the areas that we do manage to excel, we may be tempted to look at other moms and wonder why they can’t just get it together. . .like us. 

Can we agree that neither perspective is healthy, godly, or even works?  I’ve seen it tear apart friendships, dishearten an otherwise excellent mother or two, and plant seeds of either pride or insecurity in moms, undermining their ability to really be their best for their children, husbands, and God.

Kay Daigle, in an article entitled, “God’s Design for Life’s Priorities”, says this, “The Proverbs 31 woman was never a favorite of mine! I knew that I could never be as wonderful as she. She does it all: her own business, home, children, husband; she even works out! It was so freeing to me to see that she wasn’t doing all these things every day. I learned that it is her character rather than her activities that transfer from the culture of that day to our own. In that culture a strong woman would live out godliness in the ways listed. However you and your husband choose to fulfill your God-given mandate to work and to raise family (Gen. 1:26-28), your character must parallel hers.”

It’s about character, not activities.  But so often we compare activities, accomplishments and disciplines instead.

But what about those women who really do have great character as well?  Do we then have the right to compare ourselves to them?  Is it even beneficial?

Three things come to mind:

1.  The majority of us put our best foot forward when it comes to what others see (except with best friends and husbands maybe).  It’s our human nature.

2.  BUT, we all have “messy things.”  ALL.  “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).  We aren’t perfect and will never be in this lifetime.

3.  This means that there is likely to be a range of one “messy thing” to a whole bunch of “messy things” about others that we don’t see when we are comparing.  Keep this in mind the next time you are tempted to assume “this other mother” is better than you.

As mothers, we can be an incredible support to each other.  We can uplift, love, and value another mom with the power of our words and actions.  Let’s commit to making that happen.  It is not our place to judge, and when we compare, we are either judging ourselves or each other.  “Do not judge or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1) and “I choose the appointed time; it is I who judge uprightly,” God says in Psalm 75:2.  We shouldn’t judge.  We don’t do it right and we shouldn’t assume that position in the first place.

As mothers, we can also fall into the trap (of the Enemy, no doubt) of comparing ourselves with someone who “looks more the part” of the perfect mother and wife.  That is dangerous and destructive territory.  God has given you a high calling, and when we put other human beings on a pedestal, we are just asking to either be gravely disappointed in ourselves day after day or disillusioned once you find out that the “pedestaled” mom is only human too.  (And yes, I know that’s not a word, but you get the idea.)

I don’t know about you, but I can only handle what God has called me to do and be for this one day. . .until tomorrow rolls around and he calls me to do something else and gives me the strength to do it then.  I’ve got to keep my focus on that. . .on Him.  Most of us can see the error of the “keeping up with the Jones” argument, can’t we?  It’s fruitless, meaningless, and exhausting.  Can we see that The Comparison Game among moms is no different?  Let’s commit to being women of godly character and throw the comparisons out the window!  Let’s commit to being the best moms and wives that we can be, and give ourselves a little grace when we go to bed with dishes in the sink or our children un-bathed.  Let’s fix our eyes on Jesus, “the author and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2) and not on other moms!  He is our standard, not them.  Let’s answer the high calling God has given us and not let comparisons or judgments derail us!

Suggested Reading:

Motherhood VI: The Power of Prayer

I truly believe that there is very little that we can do for our kids that will be better than praying for them.  I come across great articles all the time about this very thing.  We have prayers written out in either corner of our house that remind us to lift up our son to the Lord in prayer.  But sometimes I find myself so distracted by the “preparing” that I fail to remember the “doing”.  Does that make sense?  That is why I am so thankful to Mark Harris.

Mark Harris is a Christian music artist and has recorded a song called “Find Your Wings” and when it plays on the radio, I am given the perfect opportunity to pray as I sing along.  In fact, I even caught my son singing along with me the other day, which was powerful.

I encourage you to listen below (or sing along) and pray for your kids today.  

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How Can We Pray for Our Kids?

“Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.   Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth” (Deuteronomy 11:18-21).

This is a beautiful verse.  In Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Bible, he breaks it down and says “Let our hearts be filled with the word of God. . .Let our eyes be fixed upon the word of God. . .Let our tongues be employed about the word of God.”

“Arise, cry out in the night,
       as the watches of the night begin;
       pour out your heart like water
       in the presence of the Lord.
       Lift up your hands to him
       for the lives of your children,
       who faint from hunger
       at the head of every street” (Lamentations 2:19).

I have a rather compliant child, and by compliant I mean that maybe 7 out of 10 times he will do as I ask without much fuss.  The other 3 times his human nature takes over.  I’m doing my best to do exactly as this Deuteronomy verse instructs me–fix God’s words in my heart and mind, teach them to our son, talk about them when we are home and out, going to bed and waking up, and write them on the doorframes of our house.  But as involved as I am and as compliant as he is now, I’m not so naive as to believe there will never come a time (or many times) when he wants to go his own way 10 out of 10 times, even when it means walking out of God’s protection, provision and plan for his life.  So what is one of the best things I can do for him, to cover all those compliant, non-compliant, and downright rebellious times?  Yes, pray.

“Prayer alows you to enter into places where we don’t have access” (anonymous author).  I’ve had this quote in my kitchen for many years, and it reminds me that, during those times in which I feel completely powerless over my circumstances (including any involving my son), I can pray and immediately do one of the most powerful things of all (if not, THE most powerful thing).

So, what specifically can we pray for?  What are some of those prayers that we can lift up to the Lord on a daily basis and immediately know that we are employing the power of Creator God in the lives of our children?

One of my favorite authors of is Stormie Omartian and she has written a book called “The Power of  a Praying Parent.” 

 In it, she outlines 29 topics that we can pray for our kids and then gives beautiful sample prayers for each of these topics.  Here are just a few of those topics, and I encourage you to pick up a copy of her book to view them in more detail:

Securing Protection from Harm

Feeling Loved and Accepted

Attracting Godly Friends and Role Models

Developing a Hunger for the Things of God

Being the Person God Created

Identifying God-Given Gifts and Talents

Receiving a Sound Mind

Inviting the Joy of the Lord

Breaking Down Ungodly Strongholds

Growing in Faith

These prayers are perfect for daily use and tenderly address all types of issues, helping us to get at the heart of what we desperately long for when it comes to our children and their future.

Another book that I recommend is called “While They Were Sleeping” 

by Gary Harrell and Anne Arkins .  This is a prayer guide that takes you through 12 character traits that parents and grandparents can pray for on a daily basis, a few of them being:

Humility, Teachability, Obedience, Purity, Responsibility, and Servanthood

One of the things that I pray for most often for my son is that he will love God more than any other thing or person (including himself) and that he will stay open to God’s leading and teachable through His Word for all of his life.

We can’t go wrong when we pray for our kids.  May we always endeavor to make the time for it.

“From the moment we awake until we fall asleep, we must commend our loved ones wholly and unreservedly to God and leave them in his hands, transforming our anxiety into prayers on their behalf” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer).

Back to School Nutrition: Healthy & Quick Choices for Kids

Within a week or two, kiddos all over the country will be heading back to school.  Things will get even more hectic, schedules even tighter, and mealtimes more abbreviated.  The temptation to pack lunches void of nutrition, yet quick and easy will be magnified.  So for moms everywhere committed to good nutrition for their families, I thought I would compile some of the best meal and snack choices that I know of, serve my son, and have found from other bloggers and mothers. . .meals and snacks that are quick and easy but that do not compromise health.

Breakfast:

One of the things your mother probably always told you (and she was right) was to never forget your protein at breakfast.  I’ve been advised to have protein, even if it is just a handful of nuts, within 20 minutes of waking up.  I would think for kids, many of whom expend a whole lot of energy those first 20 minutes already, this is especially important.

In our family, Applegate Breakfast Sausages–Chicken & Maple or Chicken & Apple–are breakfast staples.

 

 

 

 

 

My husband and son also drink Jay Robb’s Egg White Protein shakes every other morning or so.  They enjoy the Chocolate flavor and mix it in organic cow’s milk or plain rice milk.  (Note:  They do not do this as a meal-replacement and I don’t recommend that.)

 

 

 

 

Turkey bacon is also an excellent choice for breakfast.  It is a big step up in nutrtional value from pork bacon (in part because of it’s lower fat content).

Hard-boiled eggs. . .or deviled eggs (both of which my son devours).  These can easily be made the night before and stored in the refrigerator until morning.

Lunches:

We make wraps in our home.  We use nitrate-free and nitrite-free turkey and ham lunchmeat in Spelt tortillas, sometimes throwing in avocado, lettuce, tomatoes, and especially some melted organic cheese for added appeal.

Almond butter and jelly sandwiches are a great-for-you and tasty lunch.  We tend to stay away from peanut butter for the most part because of how easily it turns rancid, but if you must use peanut butter, try the natural kind and be sure to follow the proper storing suggestions.

Cold smoked atlantic salmon, comes in a package ready-to-eat from Whole Foods, and is nutritious and easy.

Snacks:

We are a smoothie family.  It is a great way to hide a little flaxseed or protein powder unknowingly in your kid’s refreshing summer treat.  One of my favorite smoothie recipe books is “The Ultimate Smoothie Book” by Cherie Calbom. 

  Try her recipes for “Carob Peanut Butter Banana,” “Orange Coconut Creamsicle-in-a-Glass,” and “Strawberry Creamsicles.”  I would also check out www.allrecipes.com as they have some great looking ones too, such as the “Triple Threat Fruit Smoothie,” with berries (antioxidants) and vitamin C. 

One I am anxious to try is from blogger Raw Mom who has a recipe for a Berry-Greens Smoothie (hides spinach among berries).

We also consume a lot of dried fruit. . .apples, apricots, plums, and pineapple. . .our favorite brand is Organic Made in Nature because there is absolutely nothing else added in to the ingredients. 

Cheese sticks are also a fun snack (although I realize I’m not being tremendously original here).

Banana popsicles–peel a banana, insert a popsicle stick at one end and then freeze.  My son jumps with glee when he gets one of these!

So as we get those lunches packed next week and send our little ones out the door, I hope some of these things help you to prepare quick and healthy meals and snacks for your loved ones!

What’s God Doin’?

My 4 year old son has been incredibly curious about spiritual things over the last 6 months or so.  He asked Jesus into his heart during this time and, although the jury is still out on whether he understood enough about what he was doing, he has been asking question after question since then and developing a love for God that is simply beautiful.  One of the questions that he asks daily (and by daily, I mean multiple times a day) is:  “What’s God doin’?”

So I’m asking for help.  Help me answer his question.  There are only so many times I can say things like:

“He’s smiling at you.”

“He’s listening to people’s prayers and answering them.”

“He’s taking care of the world.”

“He’s loving you and being proud of your interest in Him.”

“He’s helping people.”

I’m reading a great book right now put out by Focus on the Family called “Teaching Kids About God.”

It lays out what kids can comprehend about God (and what we should be teaching them) broken down by age groups.  Hopefully I will have more answers to my son’s questions after reading this book, but in the meantime, does anyone have any ideas?

Health Care or Child Care?

My intentions were to write something about my son’s spiritual curiosity as of late, but then I dared to open my emails and found this waiting there.  It is a piece written by Chuck Norris. . .yes, “Walker, Texas Ranger,” and it exposes a “dirty little secret” in the Obama healthcare bill that should be of utmost importance to parents especially.

“Health care reforms are turning into health care revolts. Americans are turning up the heat on congressmen in town hall meetings across the U.S.

While watching these political hot August nights, I decided to research the reasons so many are opposed to Obamacare to separate the facts from the fantasy. What I discovered is that there are indeed dirty little secrets buried deep within the 1,000-plus page health care bill.

Dirty secret No. 1 in Obamacare is about the government’s coming into homes and usurping parental rights over child care and development.

It’s outlined in sections 440 and 1904 of the House bill (Page 838), under the heading “home visitation programs for families with young children and families expecting children.” The programs (provided via grants to states) would educate parents on child behavior and parenting skills.

The bill says that the government agents, “well-trained and competent staff,” would “provide parents with knowledge of age-appropriate child development in cognitive, language, social, emotional, and motor domains … modeling, consulting, and coaching on parenting practices,” and “skills to interact with their child to enhance age-appropriate development.”

Are you kidding me?! With whose parental principles and values? Their own? Certain experts’? From what field and theory of childhood development? As if there are one-size-fits-all parenting techniques! Do we really believe they would contextualize and personalize every form of parenting in their education, or would they merely universally indoctrinate with their own?

Are we to assume the state’s mediators would understand every parent’s social or religious core values on parenting? Or would they teach some secular-progressive and religiously neutered version of parental values and wisdom? And if they were to consult and coach those who expect babies, would they ever decide circumstances to be not beneficial for the children and encourage abortions?

One government rebuttal is that this program would be “voluntary.” Is that right? Does that imply that this agency would just sit back passively until some parent needing parenting skills said, “I don’t think I’ll call my parents, priest or friends or read a plethora of books, but I’ll go down to the local government offices”? To the contrary, the bill points to specific targeted groups and problems, on Page 840: The state “shall identify and prioritize serving communities that are in high need of such services, especially communities with a high proportion of low-income families.”

Are we further to conclude by those words that low-income families know less about parenting? Are middle- and upper-class parents really better parents? Less neglectful of their children? Less needful of parental help and training? Is this “prioritized” training not a biased, discriminatory and even prejudicial stereotype and generalization that has no place in federal government, law or practice?

Bottom line: Is all this what you want or expect in a universal health care bill being rushed through Congress? Do you want government agents coming into your home and telling you how to parent your children? When did government health care turn into government child care?

Government needs less of a role in running our children’s lives and more of a role in supporting parents’ decisions for their children. Children belong to their parents, not the government. And the parents ought to have the right — and government support — to parent them without the fed’s mandates, education or intervention in our homes.”

Feel free to continue reading the entire article here.  Or see the 1000+ page bill from the government’s website here.  In addition, read up on the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child.  Could this move by the Obama administration be a back-door way of reaching this ultimate end?

When I think of what is important to me as a wife, mother, Christian, and parent (things that are in play with myself and my family on a daily basis), these things come to mind:  my freedom to worship God, the sacred union of my marriage to my husband, my health and the health of my family, the choices I have in how to raise my son as a God-fearing young man, my schooling choices for him, the financial choices my husband and I make in order to have a worry-free retirement or send our son to a college of our (and his) choosing, and what we do with our hard-earned money. 

Then when I think of the ways that President Obama has threatened, weakened and in some ways destroyed some of those exact things (those things most important to me) in a matter of 6 months, I have all I can do to not be physically sick.  He’s threatening the union between husbands and wives all across the U.S., he is reversing the life-saving efforts others have put in place to save innocent babies from physical torture through abortion, he is squeezing God out of any and every public place he can get his hands on, he is driving my son so far into debt he will likely be owned by the government (think Orwellian) before he even graduates, he is tampering with health care in such radical ways that I can scratch my health and that of my family off my list as something I will have any control over anymore, and now he’s trying to mess with my son. 

Let me tell you, I’ll be darned before I let the government and their meddling hands, their anti-God values, and their bottom-line power-driven greed come into my home and take away those very things that I treasure so much–those things promised to me by our Founding Fathers, the Constitution of the United States, and my Heavenly Father Himself!

Go ahead and try, President Obama, but you will find that this otherwise shy and reserved housewife and mom will become a fierce lioness who has been backed into a corner one too many times by your socialistic agenda, and I will fight (legally and respectfully), but I will fight.  And based on all the town hall meetings across the country in which more people than expected are rising up and voicing opposition, I have a feeling I won’t be the only one.

Motherhood V: The Faith of a Child

A few weeks ago, my son went to the dentist for the first time.  He was quite scared.  (How do kids know to be nervous about certain people or events if they’ve never experienced them before?)  My husband and I tried to assuage his fear by talking to him about what to expect and assuring him that it would be quick and easy (or, piece of cake, as we like to say).  We read a kid’s character book to him about some bears that went to the dentist and loved it.  A couple of his friends, who loved their first visit so much that they want to be dentists when they grow up, encouraged him and told him how cool this experience would be.

He was still scared.  He wasn’t throwing a tantrum or anything, but his face showed his fear.

Then we brought in the big guns.  God.

I brought his devotional in the car with us and, in the parking lot before we went in to the dentist’s office, we read Bible verses and thoughts about fear and God’s protection and provision.  He and I prayed together.  And from that moment on, he was a different boy.  He confidently walked in to the office and with very little hesitation, allowed the hygienist and dentist to clean and check all of his teeth.  As we were leaving, he said, “I want to come back and do this again tomorrow.”

When I asked him how he got through what he thought would be a scary situation, he said, “I just talked to God. . .in my head.”

The power of prayer as demonstrated through the faith of a child.

A couple of weeks later, he was overwhelmed at the number of new faces all around him at Vacation Bible School, and he was reticent to go into his classroom.  After 20 minutes of resisting and crying the day before, I decided to try something different this second day.  I took him back out into the hallway and we found a relatively quiet area to talk.  I told him that God was with him, and I reminded him about how brave God made him when he went to the dentist.  We again prayed together.  I walked him into his classroom, stayed about 5 minutes with him as he grew in confidence by the minute, and as I left, I was amazed at the transformation in my child. . .and the difference in him was God.

We know that our job as parents is to “train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6), and “bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4), but how often are we aware of how much they can teach us?  I learned a very important lesson from my son on those two days.  I felt the power of the Holy Spirit move as we prayed, and this child, that was teaching me one of the greatest lessons of life, moved ahead in faith.  I was humbled with gratitude for how God spoke to my child, and I am reminded that God loves to see us have the faith of a child, trusting Him as our Father and being transformed by His love. 

I pray that I am continually aware of the lessons that God wants to teach me through my son, and that I will have ears to hear and eyes to see.   ”Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3).

Motherhood IV: Hurry Up!

Yesterday, my son and I were walking home from the park.  It was a beautiful morning–no more than 80 degrees–with a clear blue sky and a light breeze.  I had nothing life-threatening to get to when I got home. . .nothing more than laundry, a little bit of house cleaning, and a lunch to throw in the oven for the two of us.  I was having such a special time with a precious boy, and yet I still used the words “Hurry up” when he paused to lean down and study the broken, uneven sidewalk.

I hate those words.  I cringe every time I say them because I know that the cliche is true: “These years pass so quickly, and then your children are grown.”  So, why do we say them?  If I look at the times when I have said “Hurry up,” it is usually when my son is exploring the world and taking it in, and why do I want him to hurry through that?  For myself, I’ve been shown that this is purely my selfish desires and personal agenda rearing it’s ugly head through what could (and should) be a beautiful moment to remember and cherish.

Now, I know how kids can dally.  They can take an hour to do something that takes us adults 5 minutes.  They are not the most skilled at time management, nor are they the most productive.  Life, for them, is certainly not about a checklist of things to be completed.  But you know what I’ve realized?

They are happier than 99% of the adults out there.

Maybe they are on to something. 

Maybe life isn’t about rushing about and hurrying through.  Maybe it isn’t about productivity and finding more time and checklists.  Maybe it’s about love, joy, peace, and the Author of all of those:  God.  Maybe it’s about slowing down and studying the shape of the sidewalk or the way a roly-poly rolls.  Maybe if I wasn’t often looking for ways to “Hurry up,” then when I heard my son asking, “What does God do in heaven?”, I would be able to answer him more thoroughly (and have the potential for a life-changing conversation with him).  After all, aren’t those the sort of things that life is all about?

My challenge to myself is to allow God to shut my mouth and quiet my mind when I’m tempted to say, “Hurry up.”  I have a feeling that my Heavenly Father, the One who loves me and wants me to see all the beautiful and wonderful things He has in store for me and my family, is just trying to get me to slow down enough to see them.  When it comes right down to it, I can think of very little involving my son that I actually want to hurry through.

Motherhood III: Mother’s Day

This weekend, we will celebrate Mother’s Day.  God has asked us to honor our mothers, and in a moment, I would like to say a word about my own.  But we do not just celebrate women who are raising children, we celebrate women who have touched the life of a younger child, given them words of wisdom or a “You-can-do-it!”  We celebrate those women who, when faced with the devastating circumstances of infertility, pour their lives into children at their church or in their neighborhood.  We celebrate those mothers who have chosen life for their child, rather than abortion, and then asked another family to raise him or her, a family who could give them everything.  We celebrate those women who make a difference in children, by teaching them ABC’s, the Word of God, or how to run free with joy in the afternoon sun. 

My prayer today is threefold:  For those of you who are mothers, may you know that your value is incalculable, your job appreciated, and your affects on your children’s lives is eternal.  For those of you who have recently lost your mothers or are estranged, please know that you are not alone and there are people praying for you today.  I am praying for you today.  For those of you who are not biological or adoptive mothers, for whatever reason, and today is painful for you, also know that the “God of all comfort” is with you today and prayers are being lifted up for you as well.  I have no doubt that you’ve touched the life of a young person or two who has looked up to you or learned from you, and to me, that’s the beauty of being a mother, so today, we celebrate you as well.

I want to say a public “Thank You” to my own mother, who (along with my father) introduced me to my Savior nearly 30 years ago.  She then modeled what it means to walk in the ways of the Lord, with her heart fixed on Him and transfixed by His love.  I shudder to think of what my life could have been like if Jesus wasn’t a central part of it.  So, thank you Mom.

To my mother-in-law, I say “Thank You” for raising a man with compassion for others and who has such a capacity to love without condition.  He is a wonderful and affectionate father to your grandson, and I know he learned much of that from being loved by you, so thank you.

I’ve received the following email a couple of times over the years.  I do not know the author, but it is priceless.  I share it with you today.  Happy Mother’s Day!

The Invisible Mother

“It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’

Obviously not. No one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

I was certain that these weren’t the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going . . . she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and felt sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip, and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package and said, ‘I brought you this.’

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird; on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.’

And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.’

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder, as one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna love it there.’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.”

For a great laugh, watch and listen as comedian Anita Renfroe sings to the William Tell Overture all the things a mom would say in a 24 hour period:

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Motherhood II

What can reduce an otherwise ”all-together” mom to tears in a matter of seconds?  What do the majority of mothers all over the world have in common, regardless of our skin color or socioeconomic status?  What do we, as moms, allow the Enemy to use to stunt our progress, steal our joy, and sidetrack us from our mission?  GUILT!

I’d venture to guess that guilt is one of the most common emotions that moms feel.  Whether you stay at home with your children or you are out in the workforce, I’d bet my last dollar that you have certainly felt guilt for what you are or are not doing for your children.  In fact, for me personally, labor was a cakewalk compared to this guilt that I fight!

So what does this guilt look like?  What kinds of things does it say to us?

“You haven’t spent enough time with your children today.”

“You should be doing more for your kids in this (fill in the blank) area.”

“You are so far from the Proverbs 31 woman!”

“You have failed.  If only you had _____.”

“You’re not a good enough mom!  Look at all those moms that do it better!”

I’m sure that no one can relate to these “voices.”  (Sarcasm)  Now, I recognize that not all guilt is false guilt, or accusations from the Enemy.  Sometimes, the Holy Spirit will prick our consciences to alert us to behavior that is selfish or harmful to our children.  This is His way of asking us to reflect on those behaviors and possibly change them or sacrifice our selfish desires in some way.  That is between you and the Lord to discuss.  An easy way to remember it is this: the Holy Spirit convicts us when we are stepping outside of God’s plan for our lives (and it is based on love), but it is Satan who condemns (based on hate).  The guilt that condemns is the kind that I am talking about here.  This guilt assaults moms who are already sacrificing, already molding and shaping their children’s hearts with God’s wisdom, already spending quality time with their kids, and already doing their utmost in the ministry of raising godly children.  Above and beyond that, this guilt tends to grab hold of us and tries to (1) undermine the work we are already doing with our children and/or (2) tire us by getting us to do more and more and more to make up for perceived deficits.  Both responses render us ineffective. 

So what can we do?

1.  Ask God to examine our hearts and our priorities.  Ask Him whether He is telling us something through the work of the Holy Spirit and His Word (“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.” 2 Timothy 3:16) or whether Satan is accusing us (Revelation 12:10 calls the Enemy the “accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night.“). 

2.  Fight fire with fire.  Fight the guilt from the Enemy with the promises and declarations from the Word of God.

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” 

3.  Connect and fellowship with other believers, and share your feelings and struggles.  It is when we struggle all alone with these feelings of guilt that they become overwhelming and start to destroy–chipping away at our Christ-esteem, undermining our parenting, and infecting our marriages.  First and foremost, share them with God.  Then find other godly moms with whom you feel safe and let them know you are struggling.  Not only will they help to show you a more biblical perspective, but they will often times clear away the web of deception for you and help you to see that you are not nearly the failure that your emotions (and the Enemy) would have you believe. 

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go hug my son, tell him that I love him, and then stand on the Truth of God’s Word as I do my best, with the Holy Spirit’s leading, to train him up in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6).  As moms, let’s refuse to allow Satan to cripple us with false guilt anymore.

Note:  This is Part II of a series of posts on motherhood.  Check out Part I here, in the Parenting Section of Standing on Truth.

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