Motherhood VII: Measuring Up

Ah, the Comparison Game.  As moms, we are awfully good at it. . .we cower under it or rise up with it. . .we allow it to inflate our egos or deflate our spirits. . .and it can even come between good friends. 

Who doesn’t like the feeling of measuring up to the standards that we set for ourselves, or if reasonable, the ones others set for us?  But when the standards go beyond what God has planned for us or enabled us to do, or the comparison game gets out of control, we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place.  For 4 years I attended a “Moms Group” at my former church.  Every other week, about 50 moms would gather to have breakfast together, listen to a “wise, older woman” share her years of experience with us, and then we would discuss amongst our table members our difficulties and triumphs we were encountering raising our children.

Many times, the speaker, through no fault of her own, would stir up the comparison game within me, or one of the other moms.  How does she bake 3 dozen cookies for her son’s class, volunteer weekly with her daughter’s Girl Scouts Troop, keep a perfectly clean house, scrapbook every moment of her children’s lives, design and sew all the clothes for her family, cook like Rachel Ray, decorate like Martha Stewart, and still have every hair in place and not be wearing sweatpants when her husband comes home from work?  Whew!  Is it humanly possible?  Why am I not measuring up to her?

Or what about the reverse?  Suzie Q next door has only one child and she still can’t seem to get or keep anything together for her family.  They eat out every night, live in a pig-stye, and her child will soon be on America’s Most Wanted.  What is wrong with her?  Can’t she measure up?

Why can’t we fight the urge to compare?  What is it in us that is so tempted to measure ourselves or others against a higher standard, and then either resort to judgmentalism or self-condemnation? 

I think that if God has called us to be mothers, then that calling is something that we feel very deeply in our heart and soul.  We want to be the best at it.  We want the most success and the most achievement for our children.  We want them to be well liked and to love God above all else.  We have high hopes and dreams for them, and therefore, we are extra critical of ourselves when we do the slightest thing that can alter that ideal future for them.  We look at other mothers and wonder why we can’t be as creative, loving, disciplined, organized, or resourceful as they are.  We feel others looking at us (real or imagined) and know they are judging the peanut butter stain on our sweatshirt, the cobwebs in the corners of each room of our house, or the fact that our child just made a scene with his temper tantrum in the play zone at Chick-fil-A.  Or in the areas that we do manage to excel, we may be tempted to look at other moms and wonder why they can’t just get it together. . .like us. 

Can we agree that neither perspective is healthy, godly, or even works?  I’ve seen it tear apart friendships, dishearten an otherwise excellent mother or two, and plant seeds of either pride or insecurity in moms, undermining their ability to really be their best for their children, husbands, and God.

Kay Daigle, in an article entitled, “God’s Design for Life’s Priorities”, says this, “The Proverbs 31 woman was never a favorite of mine! I knew that I could never be as wonderful as she. She does it all: her own business, home, children, husband; she even works out! It was so freeing to me to see that she wasn’t doing all these things every day. I learned that it is her character rather than her activities that transfer from the culture of that day to our own. In that culture a strong woman would live out godliness in the ways listed. However you and your husband choose to fulfill your God-given mandate to work and to raise family (Gen. 1:26-28), your character must parallel hers.”

It’s about character, not activities.  But so often we compare activities, accomplishments and disciplines instead.

But what about those women who really do have great character as well?  Do we then have the right to compare ourselves to them?  Is it even beneficial?

Three things come to mind:

1.  The majority of us put our best foot forward when it comes to what others see (except with best friends and husbands maybe).  It’s our human nature.

2.  BUT, we all have “messy things.”  ALL.  “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).  We aren’t perfect and will never be in this lifetime.

3.  This means that there is likely to be a range of one “messy thing” to a whole bunch of “messy things” about others that we don’t see when we are comparing.  Keep this in mind the next time you are tempted to assume “this other mother” is better than you.

As mothers, we can be an incredible support to each other.  We can uplift, love, and value another mom with the power of our words and actions.  Let’s commit to making that happen.  It is not our place to judge, and when we compare, we are either judging ourselves or each other.  “Do not judge or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1) and “I choose the appointed time; it is I who judge uprightly,” God says in Psalm 75:2.  We shouldn’t judge.  We don’t do it right and we shouldn’t assume that position in the first place.

As mothers, we can also fall into the trap (of the Enemy, no doubt) of comparing ourselves with someone who “looks more the part” of the perfect mother and wife.  That is dangerous and destructive territory.  God has given you a high calling, and when we put other human beings on a pedestal, we are just asking to either be gravely disappointed in ourselves day after day or disillusioned once you find out that the “pedestaled” mom is only human too.  (And yes, I know that’s not a word, but you get the idea.)

I don’t know about you, but I can only handle what God has called me to do and be for this one day. . .until tomorrow rolls around and he calls me to do something else and gives me the strength to do it then.  I’ve got to keep my focus on that. . .on Him.  Most of us can see the error of the “keeping up with the Jones” argument, can’t we?  It’s fruitless, meaningless, and exhausting.  Can we see that The Comparison Game among moms is no different?  Let’s commit to being women of godly character and throw the comparisons out the window!  Let’s commit to being the best moms and wives that we can be, and give ourselves a little grace when we go to bed with dishes in the sink or our children un-bathed.  Let’s fix our eyes on Jesus, “the author and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2) and not on other moms!  He is our standard, not them.  Let’s answer the high calling God has given us and not let comparisons or judgments derail us!

Suggested Reading:

Motherhood VI: The Power of Prayer

I truly believe that there is very little that we can do for our kids that will be better than praying for them.  I come across great articles all the time about this very thing.  We have prayers written out in either corner of our house that remind us to lift up our son to the Lord in prayer.  But sometimes I find myself so distracted by the “preparing” that I fail to remember the “doing”.  Does that make sense?  That is why I am so thankful to Mark Harris.

Mark Harris is a Christian music artist and has recorded a song called “Find Your Wings” and when it plays on the radio, I am given the perfect opportunity to pray as I sing along.  In fact, I even caught my son singing along with me the other day, which was powerful.

I encourage you to listen below (or sing along) and pray for your kids today.  

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Motherhood IV: Hurry Up!

Yesterday, my son and I were walking home from the park.  It was a beautiful morning–no more than 80 degrees–with a clear blue sky and a light breeze.  I had nothing life-threatening to get to when I got home. . .nothing more than laundry, a little bit of house cleaning, and a lunch to throw in the oven for the two of us.  I was having such a special time with a precious boy, and yet I still used the words “Hurry up” when he paused to lean down and study the broken, uneven sidewalk.

I hate those words.  I cringe every time I say them because I know that the cliche is true: “These years pass so quickly, and then your children are grown.”  So, why do we say them?  If I look at the times when I have said “Hurry up,” it is usually when my son is exploring the world and taking it in, and why do I want him to hurry through that?  For myself, I’ve been shown that this is purely my selfish desires and personal agenda rearing it’s ugly head through what could (and should) be a beautiful moment to remember and cherish.

Now, I know how kids can dally.  They can take an hour to do something that takes us adults 5 minutes.  They are not the most skilled at time management, nor are they the most productive.  Life, for them, is certainly not about a checklist of things to be completed.  But you know what I’ve realized?

They are happier than 99% of the adults out there.

Maybe they are on to something. 

Maybe life isn’t about rushing about and hurrying through.  Maybe it isn’t about productivity and finding more time and checklists.  Maybe it’s about love, joy, peace, and the Author of all of those:  God.  Maybe it’s about slowing down and studying the shape of the sidewalk or the way a roly-poly rolls.  Maybe if I wasn’t often looking for ways to “Hurry up,” then when I heard my son asking, “What does God do in heaven?”, I would be able to answer him more thoroughly (and have the potential for a life-changing conversation with him).  After all, aren’t those the sort of things that life is all about?

My challenge to myself is to allow God to shut my mouth and quiet my mind when I’m tempted to say, “Hurry up.”  I have a feeling that my Heavenly Father, the One who loves me and wants me to see all the beautiful and wonderful things He has in store for me and my family, is just trying to get me to slow down enough to see them.  When it comes right down to it, I can think of very little involving my son that I actually want to hurry through.

Motherhood II

What can reduce an otherwise ”all-together” mom to tears in a matter of seconds?  What do the majority of mothers all over the world have in common, regardless of our skin color or socioeconomic status?  What do we, as moms, allow the Enemy to use to stunt our progress, steal our joy, and sidetrack us from our mission?  GUILT!

I’d venture to guess that guilt is one of the most common emotions that moms feel.  Whether you stay at home with your children or you are out in the workforce, I’d bet my last dollar that you have certainly felt guilt for what you are or are not doing for your children.  In fact, for me personally, labor was a cakewalk compared to this guilt that I fight!

So what does this guilt look like?  What kinds of things does it say to us?

“You haven’t spent enough time with your children today.”

“You should be doing more for your kids in this (fill in the blank) area.”

“You are so far from the Proverbs 31 woman!”

“You have failed.  If only you had _____.”

“You’re not a good enough mom!  Look at all those moms that do it better!”

I’m sure that no one can relate to these “voices.”  (Sarcasm)  Now, I recognize that not all guilt is false guilt, or accusations from the Enemy.  Sometimes, the Holy Spirit will prick our consciences to alert us to behavior that is selfish or harmful to our children.  This is His way of asking us to reflect on those behaviors and possibly change them or sacrifice our selfish desires in some way.  That is between you and the Lord to discuss.  An easy way to remember it is this: the Holy Spirit convicts us when we are stepping outside of God’s plan for our lives (and it is based on love), but it is Satan who condemns (based on hate).  The guilt that condemns is the kind that I am talking about here.  This guilt assaults moms who are already sacrificing, already molding and shaping their children’s hearts with God’s wisdom, already spending quality time with their kids, and already doing their utmost in the ministry of raising godly children.  Above and beyond that, this guilt tends to grab hold of us and tries to (1) undermine the work we are already doing with our children and/or (2) tire us by getting us to do more and more and more to make up for perceived deficits.  Both responses render us ineffective. 

So what can we do?

1.  Ask God to examine our hearts and our priorities.  Ask Him whether He is telling us something through the work of the Holy Spirit and His Word (“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.” 2 Timothy 3:16) or whether Satan is accusing us (Revelation 12:10 calls the Enemy the “accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night.“). 

2.  Fight fire with fire.  Fight the guilt from the Enemy with the promises and declarations from the Word of God.

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” 

3.  Connect and fellowship with other believers, and share your feelings and struggles.  It is when we struggle all alone with these feelings of guilt that they become overwhelming and start to destroy–chipping away at our Christ-esteem, undermining our parenting, and infecting our marriages.  First and foremost, share them with God.  Then find other godly moms with whom you feel safe and let them know you are struggling.  Not only will they help to show you a more biblical perspective, but they will often times clear away the web of deception for you and help you to see that you are not nearly the failure that your emotions (and the Enemy) would have you believe. 

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go hug my son, tell him that I love him, and then stand on the Truth of God’s Word as I do my best, with the Holy Spirit’s leading, to train him up in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6).  As moms, let’s refuse to allow Satan to cripple us with false guilt anymore.

Note:  This is Part II of a series of posts on motherhood.  Check out Part I here, in the Parenting Section of Standing on Truth.

Motherhood

A friend of mine just had her first child. . .a beautiful son.  As I was looking over the pictures they posted of this young child of God and future tender warrior for the Lord, my thoughts drifted to our own similar photographs 4 years ago–the surgery room, blue scrubs, proud Daddy gazing lovingly into his own “flesh of my flesh,” Mommy drugged and happy, and baby, cold and confused, but soon to begin exploring the world hungrily.

I think I was more scared of labor than I was of bringing our son home and raising him.  That quickly changed and although I realized that motherhood is all of the wonderful things I had heard it would be, times one hundred (truly), it was also more overwhelming and unnerving than I was ever told it would be.  I know I’m not alone in feeling these things.  But does it ever seem like all we see are the mothers that make being vomited on and dealing with whining all day look like something glamorous and part of their deepest desires?  Maybe it’s something internal that tells us that we are “supposed to be” a certain way.  Maybe the pressure we put on ourselves should be talked about more.  I’ll start.  And I commit to talking about these things on a regular basis here in the Parenting section of this blog.  I invite you to join me.

“Unfulfilled Something”:  I’ll admit it.  The first few months to a year was tough.  As much as I loved my time at home with Joshua, there were moments when I felt so unfulfilled, I was ashamed of myself.  Motherhood is “supposed to be” the career that meets all of your heart’s longings, right?  Well, motherhood is also very monotonous, and it’s very easy to find yourself wanting to scream in boredom or cry from the lack of adult conversation.  But somehow admitting these feelings is a no-no to us.  Why?  Does giving them a voice make it too real?  Does it make us feel guilt?  (We will touch on guilt in subsequent blogs.)  I know for myself, I felt like I was being an ingrate to have any complaints or selfish to wonder if there was more to my life than diapers, Elmo, and the two-minute shower. 

Then I came across an excellent quote from an anonymous source:

“God is calling me to the high position of mothering and I am choosing to die a thousand small deaths to myself every single day while at the same time falling more in love with [my children].  I choose to say “yes” to God and follow His lead into the hidden life of a stay-at-home mom.  God is meeting me there.  In the hidden-ness I am discovering the holy.”

And this quote from G.K. Chesterton:

“To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors, and holidays; to be Whitely within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheet cakes, and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it.  How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe?  How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone?  No, a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute.”

And I read a book called The Mission of Motherhood: Touching Your Child’s Heart for Eternity.  Excellent book!

And I prayed.

And after some time of dying to myself and being reinvigorated with the knowledge that God has given me the privilege of raising this child who will become, in large part, who his Daddy and I teach him to be, I realized that my feelings were normal, but they didn’t have to consume me, define me, or taint the profoundness of this career to which I am committed.  I was on the right track, regardless of how my flesh felt at those times, and continues to feel at times, and it will get better.  Our reward as mothers–that fulfilled feeling, if you will–does not always immediately follow a hard day’s work.  Many times it is years later, but even when our children don’t see the good we pour into their lives, God sees, and he is pleased.