Motherhood VII: Measuring Up

October 14, 2009 by Standing on Truth
Filed under Parenting

Ah, the Comparison Game. As moms, we are awfully good at it. . .we cower under it or rise up with it. . .we allow it to inflate our egos or deflate our spirits. . .and it can even come between good friends.

Who doesn’t like the feeling of measuring up to the standards that we set for ourselves, or if reasonable, the ones others set for us? But when the standards go beyond what God has planned for us or enabled us to do, or the comparison game gets out of control, we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place. For 4 years I attended a “Moms Group” at my former church. Every other week, about 50 moms would gather to have breakfast together, listen to a “wise, older woman” share her years of experience with us, and then we would discuss amongst our table members our difficulties and triumphs we were encountering raising our children.

Many times, the speaker, through no fault of her own, would stir up the comparison game within me, or one of the other moms. How does she bake 3 dozen cookies for her son’s class, volunteer weekly with her daughter’s Girl Scouts Troop, keep a perfectly clean house, scrapbook every moment of her children’s lives, design and sew all the clothes for her family, cook like Rachel Ray, decorate like Martha Stewart, and still have every hair in place and not be wearing sweatpants when her husband comes home from work? Whew! Is it humanly possible? Why am I not measuring up to her?

Or what about the reverse? Suzie Q next door has only one child and she still can’t seem to get or keep anything together for her family. They eat out every night, live in a pig-stye, and her child will soon be on America’s Most Wanted. What is wrong with her? Can’t she measure up?

Why can’t we fight the urge to compare? What is it in us that is so tempted to measure ourselves or others against a higher standard, and then either resort to judgmentalism or self-condemnation?

I think that if God has called us to be mothers, then that calling is something that we feel very deeply in our heart and soul. We want to be the best at it. We want the most success and the most achievement for our children. We want them to be well liked and to love God above all else. We have high hopes and dreams for them, and therefore, we are extra critical of ourselves when we do the slightest thing that can alter that ideal future for them. We look at other mothers and wonder why we can’t be as creative, loving, disciplined, organized, or resourceful as they are. We feel others looking at us (real or imagined) and know they are judging the peanut butter stain on our sweatshirt, the cobwebs in the corners of each room of our house, or the fact that our child just made a scene with his temper tantrum in the play zone at Chick-fil-A. Or in the areas that we do manage to excel, we may be tempted to look at other moms and wonder why they can’t just get it together. . .like us.

Can we agree that neither perspective is healthy, godly, or even works? I’ve seen it tear apart friendships, dishearten an otherwise excellent mother or two, and plant seeds of either pride or insecurity in moms, undermining their ability to really be their best for their children, husbands, and God.

Kay Daigle, in an article entitled, “God’s Design for Life’s Priorities”, says this, “The Proverbs 31 woman was never a favorite of mine! I knew that I could never be as wonderful as she. She does it all: her own business, home, children, husband; she even works out! It was so freeing to me to see that she wasn’t doing all these things every day. I learned that it is her character rather than her activities that transfer from the culture of that day to our own. In that culture a strong woman would live out godliness in the ways listed. However you and your husband choose to fulfill your God-given mandate to work and to raise family (Gen. 1:26-28), your character must parallel hers.”

It’s about character, not activities. But so often we compare activities, accomplishments and disciplines instead.

But what about those women who really do have great character as well? Do we then have the right to compare ourselves to them? Is it even beneficial?

Three things come to mind:

1. The majority of us put our best foot forward when it comes to what others see (except with best friends and husbands maybe). It’s our human nature.

2. BUT, we all have “messy things.” ALL. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). We aren’t perfect and will never be in this lifetime.

3. This means that there is likely to be a range of one “messy thing” to a whole bunch of “messy things” about others that we don’t see when we are comparing. Keep this in mind the next time you are tempted to assume “this other mother” is better than you.

As mothers, we can be an incredible support to each other. We can uplift, love, and value another mom with the power of our words and actions. Let’s commit to making that happen. It is not our place to judge, and when we compare, we are either judging ourselves or each other. “Do not judge or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1) and “I choose the appointed time; it is I who judge uprightly,” God says in Psalm 75:2. We shouldn’t judge. We don’t do it right and we shouldn’t assume that position in the first place.

As mothers, we can also fall into the trap (of the Enemy, no doubt) of comparing ourselves with someone who “looks more the part” of the perfect mother and wife. That is dangerous and destructive territory. God has given you a high calling, and when we put other human beings on a pedestal, we are just asking to either be gravely disappointed in ourselves day after day or disillusioned once you find out that the “pedestaled” mom is only human too. (And yes, I know that’s not a word, but you get the idea.)

I don’t know about you, but I can only handle what God has called me to do and be for this one day. . .until tomorrow rolls around and he calls me to do something else and gives me the strength to do it then. I’ve got to keep my focus on that. . .on Him. Most of us can see the error of the “keeping up with the Jones” argument, can’t we? It’s fruitless, meaningless, and exhausting. Can we see that The Comparison Game among moms is no different? Let’s commit to being women of godly character and throw the comparisons out the window! Let’s commit to being the best moms and wives that we can be, and give ourselves a little grace when we go to bed with dishes in the sink or our children un-bathed. Let’s fix our eyes on Jesus, “the author and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2) and not on other moms! He is our standard, not them. Let’s answer the high calling God has given us and not let comparisons or judgments derail us!