From Happiness to Holiness in Marriages

May 19, 2009 by Standing on Truth
Filed under Marriage

Why are marriages failing at an alarming rate? And why are fewer people deciding to get married at all, choosing instead to co-habitate? According to MarriageToday.org, more than 50% of marriages are now ending in divorce, and “for the first time in our nation’s history, married-couple households are in the minority.”

I won’t paint all divorces under one broad brush, but I will bet that one significant contributing factor is that we have allowed our culture to teach us to seek self-centered happiness over God-centered holiness. Actually, we have had this “flesh” with us since sin was introduced in the Garden of Eden, and the culture reinforces it daily. Whether we divorce because of infidelity (one spouse seeking their happiness over their marital commitment), unmet expectations (we feel that we have a “right” to our happiness), or we’ve fallen out of love, our culture has taught us that these are all valid reasons and that divorce need not be a big deal anymore. In fact, I’ve even heard psychologists say that it is better for the kids if the parents divorce rather than live in conflict. I’m not so sure that I agree (although I am not talking about cases where there is blatant, unrepentant sexual or physical abuse of the spouse or children–those are incredibly valid reasons to, at the least, legally separate).

I’m not saying that marriage is easy. And I’m not passing judgment on those who have been through a divorce. I’m simply looking at the culture that we live in and watching as those secular and anti-biblical values and worldviews penetrate our marriages, Christian or otherwise, all over the country and world. I’ve weathered difficult times in my marriage – times that others may have looked in on us and encouraged us to divorce. That’s what society would have said to us. But what if marriage was God’s avenue to make us more like Him, rather than perfectly happy (as defined by us)? As I celebrate my anniversary with my husband this week, I am reminded of one of the most profound marriage books I have ever read called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. In this book, Thomas makes a very compelling case that “God designed marriage to make us HOLY more than to make us HAPPY.” He says, “If I’m married only for my happiness, and my happiness wanes for whatever reason, one little spark will burn the entire forest of my relationship.”

When I think of the first year of my own marriage when my happiness hinged on what my husband did or didn’t do, and likewise for him, that inevitably led to problems and conflicts, which unfortunately would lead to occasional uses of the word “divorce.” I realized that it really can be just that easy to arrive at that word. But when I focus on what God wants to refine in me through my marriage, it becomes not about me, but about God. And we found that marriage has made us confront our own selfishness and pride more than any other relationship we have ever encountered, or probably ever will.

Thomas confirms this throughout the book, as you can see through these chapter subtitles:

Marital analogies teach us truths about God
Marriage teaches us to love
Marriage teaches us to respect others
Good marriage can foster good prayer
How marriage exposes our sin
Building the spiritual discipline of perseverance
Embracing difficulty in order to build character
Marriage teaches us to forgive
Marriage can build in us a servant’s heart
Marriage can make us more aware of God’s presence
Marriage can develop our spiritual calling, mission, and purpose

When we allow marriage to teach us these things, we will find that we are focusing more on becoming holy as Christ is holy, and not as much on making our spouse conform to our image. Easier said than done, yes, but if we are spending our life contributing to an eternal reward rather than earthly happiness, then isn’t it worth it?

I highly recommend Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.